


A Day in the Life of MSBY: Chaos Magnets

by azunzunzuki



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji Is So Done, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Little Shit, M/M, MSBY Black Jackals - Freeform, Miya Atsumu is Thirsty, Not Beta Read, Rated teen for language, Superpowers, This Is STUPID, why is that not a tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24593614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azunzunzuki/pseuds/azunzunzuki
Summary: For some godforsaken reason, the MSBY Black Jackals develop superpowers. It goes just as well as you’d expect.Sakusa only plots murder five times.—————A 3 part crack fic, with each chapter leading up to the next with a different pairing focus
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 38
Kudos: 212





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi y'all im half asleep and it was 3am when i wrote this so its literal garbage and crack sorry  
> also this is my first time writing something that isnt a rarepair and also my first time writing a lot of characters and dynamics so sorry if theyre off lol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's cracked vases, flying belts, and bird urges.

It’s too early for this. 

Akaashi stares at the three men standing in his apartment genkan, and the sight itself wouldn’t be strange if it weren’t for the fact that not only was a particular member of the usual quartet missing, but also because the three guests seemed a lot more different than usual. 

He rubs his temples, making sure to enunciate his next words with as much clarity as one can have at 5:30 on a Sunday morning.

“What,” he grounds out, “The fuck happened.”

“I think I killed a giant swan in my sleep.”

Usually, Akaashi would just sigh at the sheer nonsense that came out of Bokuto’s mouth. Keyword being _usually._ But he couldn’t really do that right now, because _usually,_ Bokuto didn’t sport giant, six feet long wings. 

He has half the mind to force them all out the door and go back to sleep.

“There’s got to be some sort of explanation for this,” he sighs instead, stepping backwards to let the three volleyball players in, “So just go to the living room so we can come up with one.”

“But ‘Kaashi, I have _wings._ Look at how fluffy they are! Come on, touch!” Said wings extend as the wing spiker speaks, and knock over a vase on the cabinet. It shatters, little porcelain pieces now decorating the floor, and both Bokuto’s hair and wings droop as they all stare at the ground.

“Oops.”

Akaashi pinches his nose, but before he can assure his former captain that it was a cheap vase anyway, he’s interrupted by another voice.

“Bokuto-san didn’t mean for that to happen! I swear!” 

He freezes, turning to look back at his, he counts again, _three_ companions. 

“Bokuto-san, Sakusa-san, Atsumu-san,” he starts off slowly, making sure to give eye contact with each of them as he speaks, “Why do I hear Hinata’s voice?”

“Uh, that’s because he’s here too! He’s invisible!” As if on cue, the porcelain shards begin to move on the floor, slowly beginning to form words. There are too many exclamation points, but there’s no mistaking the identity of the author and Akaashi can slowly feel his will to live plummet as he reads the shaky lettering.

_Hi Akaashi-san!!!!!! :D_

For fucks sake.

  
  


Akaashi was around 75% done with the day, and it wasn’t even 6am yet. He had managed to herd the volleyball players into his living room, and had asked them to sit down so they could try and figure out a solution to the extra… accessories.

Three were amicable. Atsumu had sprawled onto one of the armchairs, and Hinata was seated on the armrest. Well, Akaashi assumed that Hinata was seated on the armrest, if the butt-shaped indent was any indication. Sakusa sat on a spare chair beside them, and Akaashi would’ve had to try and convince him too if it weren’t for the plastic seat cover he’d invested in for this specific reason.

He’s not really sure how it happened, but over the past months his apartment had turned into a homebase for the V-1 League team. Well, maybe not a homebase, but rather a baby-sitting place. It certainly seemed that way, with the way Bokuto was standing with his wings completely spread out in the middle of the room.

“Bokuto-san, please sit down.”

“ ‘Kaashi,” the spiker states dramatically, “I don’t think you’ve realized the situation here. _I have wings._ And they’re _fluffy_. _Soft_ , actually. You know that stuffed owl that you won at the school festival your second year at those shooting arcade games? The one that’s _super soft and sits on your bed?_ Well,” Bokuto puffs out his chest in pride, “ _My_ wings are softer than _that._ ”

_(From across the room, Atsumu conspiratorially leans his head by Sakusa’s and loudly whispers, “Is Bokkun tryin’ to one-up a stuffed owl?”_

_Sakusa rolls his eyes. “Course he is. He’s got it bad for Akaashi, but Akaashi’s romantically blind.”)_

Unaware of the conversation occurring, Akaashi finally grabs the wings (they really were softer than the stuffed owl) and pulls Bokuto onto the couch. Bokuto’s squirming the entire time, and Akaashi’s eyebrow twitches as he ends up on the couch as well, hands still grasping the feathers.

Their squabble is interrupted by Hinata’s loud gasp, and everyone pauses as they turn in the general direction of his voice. 

“We can take over the world.”

Atsumu chokes on his spit, and Bokuto’s wings quiver under Akaashi’s hands.

“No, no, I’m serious!” Hinata’s voice is so full of sincerity and excitement that Akaashi doesn’t even need to see him to know what expression he has. “This is our calling.”

Atsumu wheezes in the background, his laughter ringing in Akaashi’s head as he can only watch in growing pain as Bokuto’s eyes begin to shine.

“Let’s take over the sports store!”

“The yakiniku restaurant!”

“The gym!”

“And then the government!”

“I highly doubt you idiots could take over the government, magical powers or not,” Atsumu drawls, his smug grin showing how much he was amused by the situation. Immediately, he’s met with loud retaliation, and Akaashi has to force himself to not dig his fingers into Bokuto’s wings in agitation. 

“The point is,” he interrupts, “Is that you all pissed off some magical deity or _something_ to end up in this situation. And are seriously screwed. If the media finds out, they’ll have your heads. The team could terminate your contracts,” his voice dips gravely, “And you’ll have to get regular 9 to 5 jobs.”

Atsumu speaks up in the horrified silence. “Ah, shit.”

  
  


Sakusa should have known something like this would happen. An unfortunate side effect, if you will, from spending too much time with the chaotic forces that were Miya Atsumu and Bokuto Koutarou. 

But alas, he didn’t listen to any warnings and now he can only suffer as he watches Atsumu bend his fiftieth metal spoon with his mind as Bokuto and Hinata continue to ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ as if he hadn’t been doing the same thing for an hour. 

He casts a glance at Akaashi, who looks suffocated as he’s still squished by Bokuto’s giant wings on the couch. His phone is in his hand, and they’re all waiting for help to arrive. It’s unnerving, in a way.

Sakusa’s mind is a jumbled mess, with how he can suddenly hear everyone else’s thoughts jumping around in his head. He thinks he’s done a pretty good job in hiding the fact that he’s mentally scarred. But he’d have to admit, it was somewhat entertaining, especially since he hadn’t yet revealed his new power yet.

_‘ ‘Kaashi looks extra pretty today.’_

_‘Whoaaa, I wanna try to bend a spoon! Invisibility is boring, I wonder what Kageyama would say.’_

_‘Bokuto-san’s feathers are strangely soft.’_

_‘I’m gonna try somethin’ new.’_

Atsumu’s thought at the end makes him frown in suspicion, and he turns his gaze to look at the setter, who seems to be in deep concentration as he stares at the bent spoon on the table. He doesn’t have to wait long to see what Atsumu is trying to do, as seconds later Bokuto’s belt flies away and his pants fall down. 

“My pants!” The spiker yelps, placing his hands over his _golden boxers_ with a slightly flushed face. It’s nothing in comparison to Akaashi’s tomato-red, though. Sakusa watches as Atsumu’s face widens into a shark-like grin.

“Sorry, Bokkun. Meant to undo Shoyou’s.”

However Bokuto, for all he was foolish, wasn’t oblivious. 

“You did that on purpose!” 

Sakusa has the perfect view of the following events, watching how Akaashi’s fingers dig into the junction between Bokuto’s wings and his back to prevent him from jumping Atsumu. It works, but not in the way they’re expecting, as Bokuto quite literally slumps against him and melts against his hands. Akaashi’s face flashes in horror, and his racing thoughts tell Sakusa that the raven thinks that Bokuto’s bones have fused together. 

The former setter’s hands move against the feathers, seeming to try and find the shoulder blades, and then Bokuto _moans_ and Akaashi turns scarlet.

“Do that again,” the older groans, and his wings flex in pleasure under Akaashi’s fingers. Sakusa doesn’t even need to read minds to be able to tell that the majority of the room was uncomfortable.

“Yeah, that’s the spot. Harder.” 

Akaashi continues to massage Bokuto’s wings with growing embarrassment, trying to not focus on the sounds that were leaving the other’s lips. 

Atsumu clears his throat. “Well, I can now say that my powers have evolved ‘nough for me to undo belts. So there’s that.” 

Hinata’s cheery voice asks, “So what can you do now, Atsumu-san?”

“Uh, I can undo belts, lift marbles and spatulas, and bend spoons with my mind.”

 _‘Though Omi-kun could bend me over any day.’_

Sakusa chokes at the mental add-on, trying to put a mask of indifference on when everyone just looks at him in concern. 

The sound of the door slamming open resonates through the apartment.

“Akaashi! What was the emergency you wanted me to help with?”

They all turn their stares to Kuroo Tetsurou at the doorway, who looks gobsmacked in return. To be fair, the scene wasn’t the most normal; there was a mountain pile of bent cutlery littering the table, Bokuto was in his boxers while straddling Akaashi on the couch with giant wings, and there was a bunch of belts on the floor because Atsumu, the bastard, had undid _everyone’s_ buckles in the midst of the confusion. 

Sakusa feels his face redden as he grabs his trousers before they can fall, and can hear the resounding chaos as everyone else tries to protect their dignity. Some weren’t as lucky, as he sees Kuroo cover his crotch, and he distantly hears Akaashi yelp, “Why are you turned on”, to Bokuto.

  
  


“So let me get this straight,” Kuroo starts, his pants now securely fastened without fear from Atsumu’s stupid telekinetic powers, “Hinata is invisible, Bokuto is birdman, Miya is Eleven, and Sakusa…” He pauses, scrunching his nose, “What’s up with you?”

They all looked at Sakusa, who stared back calmly. His jacket floated serenely in the wind, which was disturbing on its own because all the windows were closed. A beat of silence, before, 

“No, Miya, you should not try to pull down any more belt buckles to try and ease the tension, because Akaashi won’t stop Bokuto from pouncing you this time.”

“He can _read minds?!_ ” Bokuto screeches, and Kuroo can visibly see the blood drain from Atsumu’s face.

“That’s not fair,” Hinata whines.

Sakusa looks like he sucked a lemon, and Akaashi sighs, seeming absolutely done with everyone. 

“I’m going to go buy groceries, since it seems like there’s going to be a lot more people staying for breakfast. Sakusa-san, Hinata, could you join me?”

“Hinata can’t even help with groceries--”

Akaashi’s eyes cut over to Kuroo, “I’m only doing this once. Kuroo-san, if my apartment is in any sort of a mess when I return, I will not hesitate to castrate you. Please refrain the chaos duo from destroying everything.”

With that, he walks out the room, Sakusa on his heels. Hinata’s voice cheers a farewell, and the apartment door clicks closed. Bokuto breaks the silence. 

“Did they just abandon us?”

Atsumu grimaces, “I think so.” _It’s probably my fault,_ is not stated but is heavily implied.

Kuroo raises an eyebrow, “Care to expand? Because I have several theories on why you looked like you saw a ghost when Sakusa revealed his power, and I’m going to keep assuming until you tell us.” 

Ten minutes and one embarrassing explanation later, he whistles. “Dude, you’re thirsty.”

He doesn’t get a verbal retort, but a spatula from the kitchen flies and smacks him in the face. From beside him, Bokuto nods solemnly.

“Yeah, Tsum-Tsum! I mean, one thirsty comment I get, but dude, _fifteen_ per hour is where I draw the line. No wonder Saku-chan looked so scandalized when he saw you today!”

Atsumu scowls, crossing his arms. “I’m leaving.”

He stands up from the armchair and slams the room door as he exits, and Kuroo can faintly hear him scream a few moments later.

He turns to Bokuto, his curiosity finally getting the better of him as he eyes the giant… wings protruding from the other’s back. This entire thing was surreal.

“-- Wow, Tsum-Tsum needs to chill out, and, wait, Kuroo, bro, are you listening? Anyway, I can only feel bad for Saku-chan, if Tsum-Tsum was as bad as he says he was. Like, can you imagine? I couldn’t handle it if someone was giving me thirsty comments at every moment without remorse, even if it was mentally. Though I wouldn’t be too against it if it was ‘Kaashi.” Bokuto pauses, seeming to wait for Kuroo to answer.

Kuroo instead paws at Bokuto’s wings, seriously awed. 

“Are these actually attached?” He asks, grabbing one of the wings and leaning forward for a closer look.

Bokuto shifts slightly, “Yeah. Be careful though, they’re kinda sensitive. And you’re mean.”

“I’m always kind,” Kuroo states and plunges his fingers into the feathers.

  
  


From where he’s suffocating himself with a pillow a few rooms away, Atsumu looks up when he distantly hears Bokuto’s scream.

  
  


An hour later, when putting the groceries into the fridge, Akaashi finds Bokuto hiding in his kitchen cabinet. Well, hiding it was putting it lightly, as the spiker looked like he was stuck in the tiny space. How he even got in there was a mystery that Akaashi wasn’t too keen on uncovering. 

Akaashi considered closing the cabinet door again and pretending he didn’t see anything, but made the mistake of looking at Bokuto’s face. Which ultimately meant that he saw the pout. He sighs.

“Bokuto-san, what are you doing in my cabinet.”

“Kuroo felt me up. I feel horribly violated.”

He nods solemnly, before reaching out an arm. Instead of using it to pull himself out of Akaashi’s ridiculously tiny cabinet, Bokuto instead pulls him forward, and Akaashi finds himself face to face with his former captain. He raises an eyebrow.

“Bokuto-san--”

“Do you think it’s a bird thing?”

“ _What?_ ”

Bokuto shakes his head, his nose almost knocking into Akaashi’s with each sway. “No, hear me out. I’m having sudden urges, ‘Kaashi. I feel like I need to make a nest with you, and I’ll make it clear that it’s not only my bird instincts speaking, but also my heart when I say that I want you to be my partner. It’s expected from me that I ravish you--”

“Expected from _who?!_ ”

“Shh, ‘Kaashi. Not the point,” Bokuto puts his finger on Akaashi’s lips, and his eyebrow twitches. Bokuto continues, completely unbothered. “Like I was saying. It’s expected that I find a suitable partner to make a nest with, and I really want it to be you. Oh. This is an actual confession, by the way. I really like you, and have for a while now, even before the bird urges.”

Akaashi is about to say ‘ _what bird urges_ ’, but Bokuto’s flushing face makes him stop. He blinks, feeling the red slowly become more evident in his cheeks, and ducks his head into his hands. 

“… I like you too, Bokuto-san.”

“Wait, really? Holy shit. Does this mean we’re dating now?”

“I believe so, if that’s alright with you. Please take care of me.”

Both of them are various shades of red, but it doesn’t stop the giddy smiles from spreading across their faces.

“Hey, Keiji.”

“Hm?”

“... Could you help me out? I’m kind of stuck.”  
  


From two rooms away, Sakusa rolls his eyes. “They’re together now.”

Hinata and Atsumu cheer, and go to high-five. And it sounds successful too, if not for Hinata’s pained, “Ow, Atsumu-san! That was my face, not my hand!”

“Oops.”

Kuroo smirks, throwing his hands in the air. “Well team, task accomplished. I now deem mission Bokuaka a grand success!”

“Kuroo, did ya even do anything?” Atsumu asks, raising an eyebrow. Kuroo scoffs.

“Miya-kun, I was the _instigator_. The _puppeteer._ Who else do you think got Bo to hide in the kitchen cabinet? That was all on me.”

Sakusa’s face isn’t visible because of his mask, but everyone can tell that he’s scowling. “Kuroo-san, you just wanted to feel up Bokuto-san’s wings. You’re just lucky it worked out.” He turns to Atsumu, “And I assure you, I do not look _hot_ when I am berating someone. Stop thinking so loud. I’ll be in the kitchen making breakfast, if you’ll excuse me.”

Atsumu scowls as Kuroo erupts into laughter, hyena laugh and all.

  
  


There’s a few minutes of silence, before, “Alright, that’s it. I say we go for a two for all on our romantic missions.”

Atsumu looks up at Kuroo from his phone, “What.”

The grin spreading across Kuroo’s face was nothing short of terrifying.

“Fellas, I now declare that mission Sakuatsu will be set in motion.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also yes i know kuroo hasn’t appeared yet but he’s such a comfort character for me so I couldn’t help myself and added him in lol <3 
> 
> should I make a part two of this with Sakuatsu focus?
> 
> Let me know! :)
> 
> up next: the dangers of letting lose bunnies


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's sausage deals, terrible plans, and rampaging bunnies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked, I delivered, and hopefully this matches up with the past chapter lol
> 
> I stared at this for like twenty minutes going 'do I really want to publish this' before going fuck it and pressing post.
> 
> Basically, I apologize in advance because I honestly have no idea what the hell this is

Atsumu scoffs. “Sakuatsu? _Really?_ I don’t even like Omi-omi that way.”

Kuroo scrunches his nose. “Are you seriously denying that? Even after you exposed yourself for being the thirstiest man alive for a man whose life source is _dish soap?”_

Atsumu ignores the accusation altogether. “Besides, any plan you come up with will get toss’d down the drain. Omi-kun can _mind read.”_

Kuroo rolls his eyes, but before he can say anything, Akaashi pokes his head through the doorway.

“I don’t want to hear the plan, because I already know it’s a terrible idea. Anything you come up with, Kuroo-san, has ended up with either someone in pain, trauma, or a weird obsession with soggy bread.”

Kuroo pouts. “Now now, Akaashi-kun. Lev’s fine, isn’t he?”

“ _You threw him into the river,”_ the other deadpans, “I have video evidence. You shoved him into a garbage can before kicking it down the hill and he rolled into the river. He’s traumatized, Yaku-san tells me that he can only eat bread now if it’s been underwater for at least three hours.”

The other splutters. “Well it’s not _my_ fault that the stupid bastard decided to eat the bread thrown in for the ducks! I can’t be held accountable.”

“You did it just because he spilt your coffee.”

“Yeah, my _seven dollar coffee._ He had it coming.”

Sakusa wanders into the room, probably wondering what’s taking them so long. “Breakfast’s ready.”

Hinata and Bokuto let out twin cheers, bursting into a race towards the table. Hinata’s presence was only noticeable through the utter havoc he left in his path, with how he knocked over Akaashi’s coat stand, bumped into a bookshelf, and ran into the door. (the last one was the most pain-inducing, judging from the loud slam and the subsequent wails of pain)

Atsumu wanders up to Sakusa, “So, master chef. What’s cookin’?”

The latter side-eyes him, “Never say that again. But eggs and kielbasa sausages.”

_‘I can eat your sausage any time.’_

Atsumu winces at his own thoughts, laughing guiltily and avoiding Sakusa’s gaze as it turns towards him with disgust, the other no doubt hearing his thoughts. Atsumu thinks for a moment, “Where do you even get _kielbasa sausages,_ anyway?” He didn’t even know what those were.

“I know a guy, so Akaashi and I went there to get some when we left for groceries.”

Atsumu blinks, “Omi-Omi are you telling me you have a _sausage dealer?_ ”

“What are you,” Sakusa grits, “ _5?”_

Atsumu shrugs, smarmy smirk in place as he internally screams. “Last I measured, I was at _least_ 7 inches. I was sportin’ a semi though, so it might be lil’ inaccurate. Say, Omi-kun, why don’t you measure it for me?”

Sakusa scrunches his nose. “Gross.”

“What, my dick size is gross? Or is it just the idea of dicks in general.”

Sakusa scowls at him before turning away. Kuroo mockingly sighs, patting Atsumu’s back.

“Don’t worry about it, Miya. I think he just finds your existence in general gross.”

Atsumu glares. “Kuroo, this was your idea.”

“I don’t remember saying anything.”

Breakfast was a stressful affair, putting it lightly. Akaashi had to physically prevent Bokuto from jumping Atsumu another two times (now that they knew that massages were the trick, everyone seems almost accustomed to Bokuto’s moans now) and Sakusa felt like five years had been taken off his lifespan with how many dirty comments Atsumu had mentally made.

The man had no remorse.

And despite the addition of his new powers, he was _not_ expecting the next question that Atsumu asked.

“Omi-Omi, do ya like men?”

Hinata chokes on his food, and Bokuto immediately began to pound the invisible boy’s back with his hand. All of them can only hope that his hand was meeting its intended target, and not his head, because that was the last thing they needed. Chewed up sausage ends up sprayed on the tablecloth, and if Sakusa’s mind wasn’t haywire before, it definitely was now. 

“Oh my god get the bleach I need to clean this entire table. Scratch that, the entire apartment. It’s contaminated.” Akaashi, from where he and Kuroo are now holding back an angered Bokuto (who screams that he needs to save his son, you heathens, his son is _dying!_ ), raises an eyebrow.

“Sakusa-san,” he dodges Bokuto’s arm, “Bleach is not necessary for this situation.”

Sakusa’s voice raises in hysteria at rapid rates, “ _YES IT IS--”_

“Fine. First cabinet to your right, second shelf. And when you get back,” he jabs Bokuto’s waist as a way to momentarily silence him (there’s an ear-splitting screech before he goes eerily quiet), “Please do not pour any of it on the food.”

Sakusa had never stood up and ran from a table so fast in his life.

Only he’s rammed down by an invisible force (Hinata), who’s coughing and flailing and Sakusa not only learns that it is not fun getting hit with an invisible arm, but also feels another twenty years fly off his lifeline as Hinata rasps right in front of his face. There’s distant shrieking as Bokuto breaks free from Kuroo’s hold and launches himself at Sakusa (and Hinata’s) forms on the ground, and he silently prays for whatever deity out there to please, _please_ just end him as he wheezes at the sudden weight.

He can faintly hear Kuroo shout, “God _dammit Miya!_ ” Before his belt flies away again, and barely comprehends as Atsumu screeches, “I can’t control it right now I’m _stressed_ \--”

“So,” Atsumu says. It was the ‘So, I accidentally threw all of our pants and belts and half of Akaashi’s wardrobe out the window because my powers are evolving at a terrifying rate and I don’t know what to do. So, we are all currently standing in our boxers and I have a 99% chance of being killed by everyone’s glares. So, I am also trying not to get aroused because Sakusa Kiyoomi looks extremely hot when he’s mad, do you all not see him? So, what can we do now?’ kind of so. 

“So,” Kuroo repeats, and he apparently has no shame as he struts in bright red boxers with cat faces all over, “We are deciding how we want to hide your body, and we’re nice enough to ask you for a preference on how you want to die. So tell us, Miya-kun, concrete slab to the foot in the middle of Tokyo Bay, or a five-day marathon of spiking practice with Bokuto?”

Atsumu blanches, “I’d do Tokyo Bay,” and ignores Bokuto’s high pitched whine.

Kuroo’s smirk turns sinister. “Or, actually, I’ve got a better idea; how about we force you to watch Sakusa seduce your brother?”

Sakusa roundhouse kicks him in the gut. 

It took a while (and surprisingly, a lot of effort) for everyone to separate Kuroo and Sakusa, because apparently, Sakusa had really sharp nails and wasn’t afraid to use them when he was upset. Kuroo stares at the scratch marks on his arm sadly. “I could _easily_ name twenty better ways I could’ve gotten these.”

“Hey,” Atsumu barks, “You’re thinking about kinky stuff, ain’t you? Well, forget about it, because Omi-Omi wouldn’t do anythin’ with you if you were the last person on earth.”

“What’s wrong with me?!”

Akaashi pans a glare at him, holding up a finger. “A lot of things. I have a list, actually.” He pulls out a long scroll from out of nowhere, “Do you want me to read it?”

Kuroo huffs, before directing his stare back to Atsumu. “What about you, though? What’s not to say _you’re_ not thinking of kinky stuff?”

They’re interrupted by Sakusa. “Kuroo-san, with all due respect,” in the background, Bokuto snorts _‘what respect’_ , and Akaashi elbows him, “You were just thinking of me in a catsuit.” Sakusa makes a disturbed face, like him in a catsuit was the worst thing that could happen. For him it probably was, though Atsumu would be open to disagree. Sakusa in latex? Atsumu could only _dream._

Sakusa switches his glare to Atsumu, who winces. The mind-reading stuff was really making things hard for him. Maybe if the other just, bit him or something, the ability would go away.

“Miya, I’m not going to bite you; you’re going to think of it as a mating dance.”

Goddammit.

“My plans,” Kuroo preens, “Are amazing. Flawless. Absolutely astonishing. From now on, you can refer to me as _Kuroo-sama_.”

Akaashi clobs him in the back of the head with a rolled up magazine. “What did you do.”

“Oh, nothing much, just locked Miya and Sakusa out on your balcony. Hopefully they can make up-- or make out, either one is fine.”

“Don’t you think we should allow them to get their romance sorted out on their own?” Akaashi asks, crossing his arms.

“But that’s no fun!” Kuroo Tetsurou, or the Idiot-Who-Ruins-Everything-Nice whines, and Akaashi’s eyebrow twitches, “And if _we_ don’t put in an intervention, then something bad is gonna happen! Miya’s too thirsty and desperate to realize that Sakusa actually _likes him,_ so do you think he’s gonna do something _rational_ about it? No, definitely not! So that’s why I called this team meeting, because if we don’t do anything, Miya’s going to _stage his own confession!”_

Bokuto nods sagely, “Yeah, that sounds about right. Tsum-Tsum is either going to pine for a millennium or he’s going to go completely overboard. Remember the time he had a crush on our fitness trainer? He ended up doing a sexy version of the Macarena on the receptionist’s desk. I didn’t even know that was _possible.”_

There’s a moment of silence as they pay tribute to Atsumu’s dead dignity.

Ok, so maybe Miya Atsumu had the unfortunate tendency to create absolute disorder when he actually liked someone. And yeah, he’s liked a couple of people in the past. There’s several famed incidents, the fitness trainer being one of them. Atsumu had organized a musical number (don’t ask how), and it had ended up with too much attention, too many feather boas and sequins, and Atsumu getting banned for life from the gym premises. 

That may have been one of the reasons why the team switched trainers.

Akaashi shivers in fear at the memory of Atsumu’s dancing. Well, Atsumu insisted it was dancing. Akaashi thinks that it was just him imitating a rainbow slinky in desperate need for a pole.

Atsumu had since then been prohibited from watching weird American movies where young adults posing as high school children would break into songs and dance numbers every ten minutes. It was a desperate attempt to stop him from getting more ideas, but it ended up not working when Atsumu ended up with a crush on a flight attendant. He then promptly started to fake a concussion and ended up professing his so-called “undying love” in the middle of the airplane ride to a volleyball tournament.

(He got rejected)

“Hey,” Bokuto frowns suddenly, “Where’s Hinata?”

Hinata is terrified, and quite honestly wishes to be back in Rio. 

Why? Because Kuroo unknowingly trapped _him_ on the balcony as well. 

“Omi-Omi,” Atsumu _purrs_ , and Hinata feels like crying, “Is it just me, or are you excited to see me?”

Sakusa glares and brandishes a spray bottle he stole from Akaashi’s cabinet. “Stay back. You’re here to bring us back our pants.”

“It’s not really that bad--”

“Finish that sentence and I won’t let you live.”

Atsumu pouts, “But I don’t even know if I can levitate everything _back._ I can take things off, but can’t put them back _on._ ”

Sakusa doesn’t hesitate as he sprays him, and Atsumu yelps, “I don’t care. Then I’ll just throw you off the balcony and you can _manually_ pick up everyone’s clothes.”

“Chill it, wontcha? And I _can’t._ Fans are _grabby._ ” Atsumu gives the other puppy eyes, and Sakusa coils back with disgust, “It’ll be a massacre. Tsum won’t survive.”

A pause, before, “Did you actually _name_ your _dick?_ ”

“Don’t act like you haven’t, I found out on an online forum. I think it’s hypocritical of you that _you_ can name your--” Atsumu waves in Sakusa’s general direction. Sakusa covers his crotch. “--Ya know, and you won’t let me name _mine_ when I think mine’s a lil’ bigger.”

Sakusa brandishes the spray bottle again, and Atsumu shrinks back. “I don’t look at ya _all the time,_ I swear. It’s just that we go to the onsen a lot as a team tradition and it’s right there and I didn’t think you’d mind, and _please don’t hurt me Tsum is really sensitive._ ”

Sakusa poses his arm to spray at Atsumu again, and everyone appears off guard as Atsumu grabs it to pull him downwards. Atsumu uses this as an opportunity to squirm right up to Sakusa, to the point where they’re face to face, and Sakusa’s knee is now placed between Atsumu’s legs. They both freeze.

By now, Hinata is curled up in the corner of the balcony as he stares in shock, and a lone tear runs down his cheek (not that anyone could see). Sakusa and Atsumu still haven’t noticed, or they’re doing a really good job of ignoring him. He’s not so sure which option he resents more.

“Omi-Omi,” Atsumu breathes, “I really like you. In the gay way.”

Sakusa rolls his eyes, “Yeah, I know, you really need to tone down your thoughts.” and then quieter, “I like you too.”

“Oh,” Sakusa steals a glance at Atsumu, whose eyes are blown wide with adoration, and there’s a soft pink that’s spreading across his cheekbones. 

_‘Wow,’_ he hears, _‘He’s really pretty.’_ And then, _‘Wow, I’m really gay.’_

He glares, but its effect is downgraded as the red from his ears slowly spread to his cheeks, “Now you’re just thinking that on purpose.” Atsumu doesn’t deny it, and there’s a silly smile spreading across his face. Sakusa hates how it makes his heart flip.

Stupid Atsumu.

He looks to the side, “Can we, uh,” Atsumu grins, obviously enjoying how Sakusa struggles with the words. He punches the blond in the shoulder, but the smile doesn’t wane. 

“Date?”, the other finishes, and Sakusa feels his cheeks flame as he nods, embarrassed. 

“Yeah, we can date,” Atsumu is trying to play it cool, but Sakusa can hear his mind going _‘ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod’_ constantly before being followed by very loud internal screaming. He winces.

“Oi, Hinata,” he says to try and distract himself, and feels how Atsumu freezes from underneath him, “You can stop trying to be quiet. Subtlety isn’t your strong suit.”

“... Sorry.”

Atsumu hums, and Sakusa feels his breath catch as he feels the other’s hand card through his hair. “Actually, Shoyou,” Atsumu grins, and Sakusa can feel Hinata stop breathing from nerves.

“Yes?” The invisible boy squeaks.

“I’ll forgive you for listening in our _very private conversation_ if you can do this.” There’s no response, but Atsumu seems to take it as an agreement. “We’re gonna fuck with Kuroo, ‘cause I hate that we got together ‘cause of that lanky piece of shit’s plan. So, listen closely...”

Ten minutes later Bokuto slams open the balcony door, and he lets out an ungodly shriek when he sees their position. (Atsumu insisted that it was comfortable, and had prevented Sakusa from moving)

“Chill, Bokkun,” Atsumu grunts while rubbing his ear, before a spark lights in his eyes. “Actually, let’s add you to the plan. Tell Akaashi about it too.”

Bokuto leans forward eagerly, his wings flapping with excitement. Atsumu scowls when one whacks him in the face.

“I told you, Kuroo-san. All your plans end up horribly. You’re going to pay for Hinata’s rehabilitation fees.”

Kuroo Idiot-Who-Ruins-Everything-Nice Tetsurou winces. “It’s not my fault for not noticing Hinata, ok? He was invisible! I’m sorry for locking him on the balcony!”

“Daichi and Suga are gonna murder you, bro.”

“Forget about them, well, don’t, but I’m more scared of _Kenma’s_ wrath. I can’t believe I ruined the Shrimp’s innocence, Kenma’s actually going to murder me cold blood. Unless anyone has a lifetime supply of apple pie, I might as well start digging my grave now,” Kuroo groans, and Hinata lets out a pitiful sniff. 

Everyone (except for the unknowing Kuroo) secretly applauded his acting skills.

“Shit, Shrimpy, what can I do to make it up for you?” Kuroo asks, and Hinata thanks the fact that he’s invisible because that means Kuroo can’t see how wide his smile is. 

They’re doing a group outing (Kuroo’s apology gift) at the local mall (to “cheer Hinata up”) and Bokuto was practically vibrating from restlessness. The group had infiltrated a total of five stores and several restaurants, and Kuroo ended up carrying up all of the baggage with minimal protest. (it was the least he could do, he’d said, if he didn’t want to get killed from Kenma)

In terms of them disguising their abilities, Bokuto’s wearing a winter jacket even though it’s summer, since it was the only thing bulky enough to hide the fact that he has giant wings. Sakusa had thrown around ten handkerchiefs at him so far because of the overwhelming amount of sweat.

Just as they’re about to enter a pet store, Kuroo stops. 

“Wait,” he says, “Why was Hinata mentally scarred, anyway? Bo just said he walked in on the two of you, and I feel like I’m going to regret asking, but,” he gasps, and his head whips around to stare at Sakusa and Atsumu. “Did you guys _frickle frackle_ on the _balcony?!”_

Sakusa’s face could not get any more disgusted. Atsumu snorts.

“No, Kuroo, there was no ‘ _frickle frackle_ ’. Omi-Omi here got lost in my eyes for fifteen minutes in a compromisin’ position and we confessed our undying love for each other. Ya just assumed the dirty.”

Silence. 

“Wow. Wait, then why did you all say I _took away his innocence?!_ I _helped!”_

Akaashi says, “We needed somebody to be the scapegoat,” at the same time as Bokuto says, “It was supposed to be payback?” Sakusa throws another handkerchief at him.

_(“So here’s the simple but effective plan on fucking with Kuroo,” Atsumu grins, “We say that his plan on lockin’ me and Omi-Omi on the balcony ended up with Shoyou getting mentally scarred and losin’ his innocence, and get ‘im to be at our beck and call for the rest of the day or somethin’.”_

_Sakusa raises an eyebrow, “That’s it?”_

_“Trust me, Omi-Omi. It’ll be great seeing him lose it.”)_

Sakusa clears his throat. “Why are we here, anyway.” He shifts to hide away from the gaze of a very… energetic parrot in the corner, “There’s so many germs.”

“Because Bokuto’s sad since we forced him to hide his wings, and because baby bunnies are adorable,” Kuroo states flatly, seeming to have given up on being mad as he and Bokuto press their faces against the glass. They begin to coo and make revoltingly sweet noises at the fluff balls, who, thankfully, don’t seem _too_ disturbed by the ogling. (One particular rabbit immediately burrowed after seeing Kuroo and Bokuto’s twin grins, but that was the only exception)

Atsumu has turned into a soft puddle of sugary, gross animal loving goo. “Who’s a cutie patootie bunny wabbit?”

They all stare at him.

“I say this with as much offence as possible. Do not speak like that ever again, for the safety of the rest of the world,” Sakusa mutters, as if his heart isn’t beating erratically fast because _fuck he’s cute._ Nope, not at all. That would be ridiculous. 

“Hey hey hey--” They all turn to Bokuto because now is not the time for his signature catchphrase, but then they realize that the cage is open and the bunnies are hopping all over the floor and out the store.

No, really. The bunnies were escaping.

“THE BUNNIES ARE ESCAPING,” Hinata shouts uselessly, and Kuroo hisses now that he no longer has the threat of being killed by Kenma on his conscience, “Shush, Shrimpy, you’re _invisible._ ”

The pet store owner stands at the cash register, staring in disappointment at the world class athletes (plus two others) that had managed to release the furry animals in the poor, unsuspecting mall.

“WHAT DO WE DO?” Bokuto screams, and it’s loud enough that the parrots in the back begin to screech with him. 

A vein appears on Akaashi’s forehead, “We catch them, because we released them.” He grits his teeth, “ _All_ of us,” he adds when he notices Sakusa trying to sneak off. 

The other looks at him with betrayal, “But the _germs."_

“Hey look,” Futakuchi says, “Rabbits.”

Shirabu doesn’t look up from his food, “Cool.”

Yahaba hums, “Adorable.” He crouches down, his phone posed as he takes pictures of the giant herd of bunny rabbits hopping in the middle of a shopping mall in broad daylight.

The only one who reacts somewhat normally is Ennoshita, who spits out his coffee (onto Terushima’s face) when he recognizes Akaashi, Bokuto, Kuroo, Atsumu, and (a grudging) Sakusa run after said rabbits, all in varying states of hysteria as they shout for the rabbits to _please stop, nobody will adopt you if you’re stepped on, please!_ And wait, why does he hear _Hinata’s_ voice?

“Hey,” Futakuchi asks, “Who are you calling?”

Shirabu doesn’t make eye contact, “Semi.”

Because who bothered with mall security, anyway?

They eventually capture the rabbits. It’s just past noon, and Akaashi collapses on the ground as he groans. “At least we only got banned for life.”

Bokuto pouts, “But the _bunnies.”_ Sakusa throws yet another handkerchief at him, before scrunching his nose and spritzing him five times with Akaashi’s stolen spray bottle for good measure. Apparently, he brought it with him.

“Are you seriously sad about never seeing those particular rabbits ever again? _They_ started chasing _us_ halfway through,” Kuroo grunts. “They even drove Sakusa up one of those plastic trees.”

Sakusa scowls, “The last thing I needed was _rabbit germs_ all over me.”

Hinata wonders, “But what about the tree germs?”

Atsumu furrows his brows, “Tree germs?”

“Anyway,” Kuroo claps his hands, “Miya, your phone has been buzzing for the past twenty minutes, don’t know how you haven’t noticed yet.”

“Oh.”

With nothing better to do, they all lean over to see his screen as he pulls out his phone. Who cared about personal space? _(Sakusa did)_

**tobio-kun:** atsumu-san

 **tobio-kun:** do u know where hinata boke is

 **tobio-kun:** hes not answering my calls

 **tobio-kun:** atsumu-san

 **tobio-kun:** atsumu-san

 **tobio-kun:** atsumu-san

 **tobio-kun:** atsumu-san

 **tobio-kun:** atsumu-san

 **tobio-kun:** atsumu-san

 **tobio-kun:** atsumu-san

 **tobio-kun:** atsumu-san

 **tobio-kun:** …

 **tobio-kun:** ratsumu-san

Atsumu gasps, “The _audacity.”_

Kuroo snorts, “He’s not wrong.”

Atsumu narrows his eyes, “Those are fighting words, _Kuroo-san._ ”

The other sneers. “What’re you gonna do, _Miya-kun?_ ”

He doesn’t get a verbal response, but his belt flies away and the entire group feels a sense of déjà vu as they get another view of Kuroo’s bright red boxers with cat faces. A mother in the background gasps, scandalized as she immediately goes to cover her child’s eyes. The teenager beside her lets out a snicker and snaps a picture.

“Goddammit.”

_(A couple of days later, Kenma messages Kuroo a link from Twitter. It directs him to a viral post with a somewhat blurry photo, but there’s no doubt it’s Kuroo in his underwear at the mall parking lot. There’s a single question mark under the message, and Kuroo groans.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know if it's funny or not because my humour is kinda warped and I think my goal was to make this as stupid as possible, but I hope it was entertaining lol
> 
> Also peep my hc that the next gen captains hang out post-timeskip because I love them whoops
> 
> And you can’t even try to convince me that Atsumu isn’t soft around animals ok like— I swear it’s his rat genes he’s sweet goop for his fellow rodent family <3
> 
> fun fact of the day: the story of kuroo throwing lev into the trashcan is 100% based off the real story of where my sixth grade teacher threw a kid in the trashcan because he spilt his coffee at 7am before school started lmao
> 
> up next: tobio gets interrogated and atsumu should not be trusted with a butter knife, not like he'd listen anyway

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, kudos & comments are greatly appreciated and loved! <3


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